Your Destiny and My Fate
by Florence68
Summary: I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed. Paulo Coelho
1. Chapter 1

"Katniss! You came back?"

"Hello, Peeta! Yes, we came back for a vacation. We miss the woods and the hunting."

"We?"

"Gale, Rory and I are hunters, and Hazelle and Vick are here because they are homesick. Posy and Lilly don't have a choice", she explained with a smile.

While I was wondering how long we will chat emptily and when I will get the chance to really talk to her, the door opened and Gale came out onto the porch with a baby in his arms. As soon as I set eyes on him, agitation began building up in me. I clenched my fists and breathed in deeply, trying to keep control over my petty, poisoned mind. In that moment, the baby in his arms began to wiggle, spreading its little arms toward Katniss. She took it with a smile and, holding it gently, turned to me, saying: "This is Lilly!" Looking at them, unable to understand what I'm seeing, I felt my legs failing me and gratefully welcomed the darkness that swallowed me…

Senseless thoughts were trying to break through to my consciousness while I was looking for a more comfortable position. I must have had another nightmare – Katniss had come back with Gale and his family and they had a baby. Just the mere memory of that dream is enough to throw me into a semi-feral state that could last a few days. Suddenly, I hear Haymitch's voice: "He's alright, he's coming back…" What is he doing in my bedroom? No, impossible. It is real! Katniss, the baby, Gale… If I close my eyes firmly, everything will disappear. I don't have to wake up. I don't have the strength to wake up… Or a reason to…

"Haymitch, maybe you should carry him into the house. Should I call a doctor?" Katniss asked routine questions out of habit, the usual ones for when I fall into "my state." Her voice harbored neither much concern to speak of, nor interest. Only simple neighborly attention. Oh my God, how much that hurts… And even more when I think of how everything is my fault. How I didn't even deserve that much from her…


	2. Chapter 2

The first year after the war was the darkest. I found some perverted solace in the similarity between the ruins of Panem and those in my life. Haymitch, Katniss and I were in our own world, trying to find a way out of our personal hell and help each other. At first, our progress was condensed to one step ahead and ten steps backwards. With the help of Dr. Aurelius, we slowly introduced some routine to our everyday lives. Katniss spent a good portion of her time in the woods, Haymitch returned to his old habits and I started to bake bread. We were having dinner together several times a week. At the beginning, there was only silence at the table. Not a particularly uncomfortable one but it could be strenuous at times. Gradually, sporadic comments and nods turned into conversations about news from the district. When the discussions between Haymitch and Katniss started, spiced with some sarcastic remarks, not too seriously meant threats and eye-rolling, it became clear that our threesome evolved to be some sort of family. That thought, though unspoken, naturally was comforting for all of us.

People were slowly returning home. Also, new residents from other districts arrived. A renewal was important to everybody and the new life was slowly taking shape. First, we began cleaning up the ruins of the bombed district. Thom took over the organization of that project – a former miner, Gale's best friend. When we felt better, Katniss, Haymitch and I would help. Hard physical work did us good. And Victor's Village became livelier. The newcomers were accommodated in the only empty houses that had remained untouched by the bombing. After the lot had been cleaned up, family houses were quickly sprouting in the Seam.

During the second year after the war, the surviving owners of land in the Merchant circle used the fund for the renovation of the district to build shops and houses. Only about thirty families remained in the once overcrowded part of town, and each one of them had lost a family member. According to the construction plan, they were issued properties on the main street that circled the town's square, where a complex of buildings for the town administration shot from the ground – the court, the police station, the municipal administration. The rest of the center of the Merchant circle was divided into parcels and the construction of a doctor's and a dentist's office and numerous shops was planned there, such as a book shop, a beauty salon, restaurants and party places, the so-called clubs and bars, which, before the revolution, could only have been found in the Capitol and the wealthier districts. In the outer circle, at the border between the Seam and the Merchant circle, an elementary school and a high-school were being built, and unexpectedly, for many even unimaginably, a kindergarten, a library, a youth club and a large park. At the rim of the district, bordering the woods, the foundations for a modern hospital, a pharmaceutical factory, army barracks, a military administration building and a sports center, which was planned to entail an open-air and an indoor swimming pool, have been laid.

The mines had been temporarily closed. Thom was still the head of the entire project and was growing constantly with his tasks; he didn't hesitate to use all available means to get the most out of all the funds designated for the construction of Panem. I suspect that the secret partner responsible for a good portion of the plans and their quick approval by the Capitol committees was Haymitch. The entire concept of our new district promised a comfortable, manifold and healthy life – to everyone's satisfaction. That also drew numerous newcomers from other parts of Panem, who were settling our recently destroyed home in search for a new beginning.

In that period, while I was contemplating whether to open a bakery and continue my family's legacy, I turned to Katniss and, to my by no means little surprise, found unconditional support in her. Soon the bakery became our joint project. Just like we spent the first year after the war working on the Memory Book, healing our wounds, we spent this period making plans for the construction and the design of the bakery, supervising the construction work and preparing the grand opening. Constant work turned out to be a highly effective therapy for us. My rare attacks reduced to sudden flashes in front of my eyes that served as a warning for me to begin with my breathing exercises and grasp some large object firmly with my hands, usually the edge of the table or the back of a chair. Katniss was still overcome by sadness from time to time, but the deep depression and the catatonic state that I found her in when I came back from the Capitol didn't recur. Even Haymitch was showing signs of progress – he became a free time alcoholic, which practically meant that he occasionally spent his weekends utterly drunk, while, for the rest of the time, he actively took part in the reconstruction of the district. That we had overcome the worst, we saw with our own eyes when we were showing out the TV-crew that covered the opening of the bakery. We had agreed to take part in that circus because Haymitch had talked us into it: He maintained that the public needed a good example and a motivation for the further reconstruction of Panem and that Katniss and I, as a symbol of the revolution, were an ideal example for how the good can win. In his way of a master manipulator, he added that that will convince the Capitol to approve more resources for our district. Of course, all of that just made us nervous and reminded us of everything we've been through. We didn't much enjoy the questions about the star-crossed lovers story either. But we stood in front of the camera together again, skillfully avoiding to give concrete answers and dismissing personal questions with a smile. After having been left alone, we gave ourselves over to healing laughter, happy that we survived that day without breakdowns…

At the beginning of the third year after the war, the construction period came to an end, and all shops, factories, institutions and administrations took up their business. It seemed as if the district has never been more alive. My everyday routine consisted of work at the bakery, dinners in the company of Haymitch and Katniss, some trips and gym visits. Katniss started working at the military institute, as a military sports trainer and administrator of the program for civilians. Only when she received the offer did I find out that, after the war, she was granted the rank of a major for her service in the battles, especially for the defense of District 8 during the air raid. I didn't know anything about that phase of the war or her role in it. She was reluctant to speak of it. However, the job she was offered suited her perfectly and she enjoyed it from the first day on.

That period in our lives was marked by the gradual withdrawal from meds. At the end of last year already, we had both stopped taking our pain medicine. Letting go of it was not easy but together we did manage to go through with it. Considering that we were sitting in the same boat, we didn't reproach each other for our attacks or the sea of insults that we would utter during these crises. The next phase was the getting off the meds against hijacking (for me) and the antidepressants (for Katniss). If signs of depression appeared, Dr. Aurelius could still give her a prescription. Taking her recovery into account, as well as the successful withdrawal from pain medication, a normal everyday routine and an ever improving physical state, thanks to training and the exercises she did at work, Katniss was almost her old self again. With regard to me, nothing was to be known for certain. I was the only surviving victim of hijacking and every new treatment was an experiment. Dr. Aurelius was optimistic because the venom levels in my body were minimal, I haven't had aggression attacks for years, my relationship with Katniss was stable and friendly, and the attacks that would overcome me from time to time passed by, unnoticeable for the uninformed. Nevertheless, I was paralyzed with fear of the monster within me waking up and hurting Katniss. Then it became clear to me that one thing had not changed. I still loved her and she meant the entire world to me. These feelings were suppressed, stifled, put aside because of everything we've been through. Pain, suffering, medication… all of that has turned me into a zombie. Moreover, it was topped by incessant, tough work that lasted for months. If you add the withdrawal from the meds, it doesn't surprise me that I neither had the time nor the space to take a break and think about my feelings. Also, that hasn't been particularly important because her everyday presence, the commitment to mutual plans and tasks and the growing friendship that was entirely new for the two of us was more than enough. But in the moment that I admitted to myself that I still loved her, maybe even more than before, with many more nuances and the addition of a sincere and strong friendship, trust and understanding, a fear of losing her was stirred up in me. It was a fear of her never reciprocating my feelings, of her rejecting me if she found out that I still loved her. That thought spiral pulled me down exceedingly. Scared that it would cause an attack, I quickly called Dr. Aurelius. He understood the depth of my fears at once as well as the potential danger my fragile mind was at. His calming voice automatically took effect on me. I began to relax and rationally analyze my feelings and the situation I was in. His advice was good and probably useless. Patience, relaxation, honesty… Who on this earth was capable of sticking to that while engulfed by feelings and doubts…


End file.
